


the world can't be perfect

by woozi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eren has issues, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, this could be triggering so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 18:36:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7185422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woozi/pseuds/woozi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean doesn’t know what to think when he first sees it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the world can't be perfect

Jean doesn’t know what to think when he first sees it.

 

Had the small object not glimmered in what little light seeped through the small window in the basement the Scouting Legion had Eren living in, he wouldn’t had even seen it.

 

He wasn’t just digging in Eren’s drawers for no reason, though. It’s not like he even wanted to, however, Hanji sent him down to look for Eren’s medication. It was something they recently developed, to help with the negative effects when Eren emerged from his titan form - extreme exhaustion and deliriousness, and all. Today they were doing more experiments and tests to see Eren’s titan capabilities, so they would really need it to get everything done.

 

Basically, it helped him recover faster, so he could repeat the process all over again. It also helped his ability to change into a titan in general. The memory of Eren chewing up his hands until he didn’t have any more space to bite because he couldn’t shift was rather disturbing and something no one ever wanted to see again. No matter how much Eren really wrung Jean up, even _he_ knew using the meds on Eren was pretty sickening. The blonde half considered chucking out the bottle once he found it. Eren was only fifteen, it amazed Jean that the brunette wasn’t dead yet.

 

Which brings him here, carefully picking up the razor blade and examining it. _Why did Eren even have this?_ Maybe it was misplaced, fell out of something and was forgotten about in his drawer. He tries to not think about it and puts it back. He shouldn’t even be digging through Eren’s shit anyway; it should be Hanji. He finally spots a white plastic bottle and guesses it’s the medication. He grabs it and shakes it, testing, and is satisfied to hear the ramble of pills inside.

 

He glances at the drawer again and pauses.

 

There, right there, under where he just picked up the bottle of pills, lays another blade. This one though, isn’t clean and shiny like the other one, no; this one has what Jean suspects to be blood on it. _Disgusting_ Jean vaguely thinks before his mind drifts to why exactly the metal was stained with blood. Was it supposed to be hidden – is that why it was under the bottle? Maybe Eren didn’t have enough time to clean it after… But who says it’s _Eren’s_ blood - despite the fact it’s in his drawer. Jean bites the inside of his cheek and slams the drawer shut when he hears footsteps rushing down the stone stairs to Eren’s cell.

 

“Jean? What the hell’s takin’ so long, man? Eren needs the meds so we can move on!” Connie’s voice echoes through the whole basement and Jean’s pretty sure everyone could hear him outside, too.

 

“I’m comin’, god, could you be any louder?” Jean jogs out of the room, shaking the bottle in front of Connie’s face for him to see. “Jaeger had this shit hidden, I swear.

 

-

 

It’s kind of hard to watch Eren once they cut him out of his titan body. Hanji’s there as well as Mikasa and Armin, fussing over him because he’s completely unconscious and will remain completely unconscious unless they get some pills in him. They’re asking where the hell Jean is with the medication, and Connie pushes him towards Hanji so he can give the bottle to them.

 

“Sorry, Squad Leader,” He salutes, “Was really hard to find them.” He hands over the bottle and Hanji visibly deflates, and Jean thinks they would have hugged him if they didn’t have a passed out Eren on their legs. He exchanges glances with Mikasa, nods stiffly at Armin.

 

“No worries,” They wave him off. Jean stays right there though, eyes flickering to Eren’s peaceful expression. He preferred this over him being awake, honestly. This was a break from Eren’s quick-witted remarks and anger and overall instability. But he knew in three minutes tops he’d be up and going again, complying to whatever the higher-ups make him do. He turns his head and takes in the damage of whatever kind of obstacle course used to be in the field. Some of the limbs in the trees further out were bent against each other or on the ground.

 

“Okay everyone, he’s waking up!” Hanji exclaims and slides out from under him, pulling Jean away with them because Eren was still unpredictable when he first woke up. Mikasa and Armin stayed though. Mikasa, sitting with her legs folded under her, pulls Eren head onto her thighs, doesn’t show any indication that she cares that Hanji just left like that. She runs her fingers through Eren’s hair and Jean watches the strands fall back into place each time. Armin’s simply watching, one of Eren’s tanned hands clasped tightly in both of his pale ones. Jean feels slightly uncomfortable; everyone else is just hovering from a distance – some soldiers have their blades out, prepared. Cautious, like Eren’s some kind of dangerous wild animal.

 

Green eyes flutter open and Eren is squinting because the sun is in his eyes before Mikasa’s slender fingers are hovering above his face, shielding the light for him. Hanji waits a few moments before they stride over, kneel, and lean right in Eren’s face. Mikasa moves her hand, Armin doesn’t.

 

“Ready for another round, Eren? One down. Two more to go.”

 

Eren stands up straight away, and Mikasa and Armin are right there in case he stumbles or gets light headed. Then, Jean realizes that those two are the only people who are really there for his wellbeing. Realizes that Hanji only thinks of him as an experiment. Realizes no one else can fully trust this kid. Not even Jean. Especially not Jean.

 

-

 

After all the pills wear off, Eren’s triple the level of exhaustion than he is after he shifts naturally. He’s been passed out for _hours_ , in the basement. No one is allowed down there except for Hanji, Erwin, Levi, Armin, and Mikasa when this happens. Technically, Armin and Mikasa shouldn’t even be down there, but after months of negotiating, they somehow got permission.

 

Everyone else gets on with their own lives. Usually Jean doesn’t spare Eren a second thought and instead eats dinner and goes to sleep himself, but the blades in Eren’s drawer keep him tossing and turning in his bunk. He’s most likely keeping Connie awake in the bunk above him, so he tiptoes out of the room and into the bathroom.

 

When he first saw the bloody blade, he didn’t dare make a conclusion right then and there. But the more he dwelled on it, it was pretty clear…

 

Eren must cut himself.

 

And it’s kind of smart. Because he regenerates so quickly, they heal in probably five minutes at the most. _But why_? Jean wants to talk to him, but they aren’t exactly at a point in their relationship where they could call themselves friends. Most of the time Jean just fights with the brunette and holds himself back from kicking the shit out of him.

 

There are footsteps coming from up the stairs. Eren must be up then, if they’re all leaving. Jean kind of has a “fuck it” moment, and peeks out of the bathroom and down the hall when the footsteps faded to make sure the coast is clear. It is.

 

There’s supposed to be a guard outside of Eren’s cell, but when it’s late enough everyone just goes to sleep, so Jean doesn’t have to worry about it when he reaches the cell. Eren’s awake, in bed and simply staring at the ceiling. There’s not much else to do besides that. He knocks on the gate, metal ringing, and Eren startles. Jean grabs the keys from where they’re hanging on the wall and lets himself in. Eren hasn’t even sat up, but he’s straining his neck to look at him.

 

“This is weird, isn’t it? But I wanna talk to you about something.” Jean mumbles. He’s afraid to wake anyone upstairs up.

 

Eren stops looking at him and instead turns his head back to face the ceiling. Doesn’t question anything. “Okay.”

 

The bastard really is beat after the pills wear off. Jean doesn’t think this is a good time to talk about it anymore, but he’s already down here.

 

“It’s probably none of my business, but it’s kind of scary, so.” Jean pulls the wooden chair in the cell next to Eren’s bed and sits down.

“Hanji made me get your meds today and, um,” Jean steals a glance at the other boy, whose expression hasn’t changed since he walked in here. He looks bored, tired, and restless all at once. “I saw something – some _things_ in your drawer – because that’s where your stupid pills were and like,” he scratches at his own temple, trying to sound like he doesn’t really care because this is Eren’s business and all, but it’s kind of hard, “Blades. You have blades in your drawer, bloody ones… Do you…?”

 

He hasn’t stopped staring at Eren’s face, and at that moment Eren decides to close his fucking eyes. Jean thinks he fell asleep on him for a minute, but then his lips twitch.

 

“Mhm,” Eren hums.

 

Jean is kind of taken aback. So that’s it? He should have expected that – for Eren to just hang himself all naked and vulnerable right in front of him but also act like it’s no big deal.

 

“That’s it?” Jean raises his eyebrows.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Jean grits his teeth.

 

“Care to _elaborate_? You suicidal bastard. You’re gonna bleed out or something one day.” He spits. Eren keeps his eyes closed, acts like he didn’t hear him for a while.

 

Finally, he opens his eyes. Lazily rolls on his side to face Jean and looks right at him.

 

“You’re scared of me, right?”

 

“Me?” Jean’s eyes widen, offended, “ _Fuck_ no. The hell are you talking about? If you think I can be _scared_ of someone with such bad aim like you –“

 

“You are, though.” Eren’s calm expression really pisses Jean off. “Everyone is – even Armin and Mikasa. They don’t show it, but everyone else – _you_ , you all stay away from me. You’re afraid I’ll go crazy and kill everyone one day. Or you’re afraid I’ll kill _you_. Because everyone here is fucking selfish, anyway. You all just use me to save your lazy asses because you don’t want to put yourself in danger. You didn’t even want to join the Scouting Legion _Jean_ , why are you here?”

 

“Why are you sitting here acting like you care about the _monster_?” He hisses, “When I woke up out there, everyone was backed up like I was gonna lash out or something. People had their blades out.” The brunettes voice was beginning to raise, but Jean lets him rant, lets him get out what he’s been holding in.

 

“Why do you give a damn if I hurt myself?” Finally, Eren's voice cracks. He rolls back onto his back and throws his arm over his eyes. Jean watches the younger boys chest stutter. Watches the rise and fall as inhales, exhales deeply. “No one cares. I’m not viewed as a human being anymore. I’m just a hazard that’ll kill you if you’re not careful. So watch out Jean, in case I _do_ lose it one day.” He hiccups, catches his breath. His voice is coming out raw.

 

“I didn’t think when we were scouts, that hurting myself, making myself see my blood and feel pain – it stings like hell you know - would be the only way to make myself feel human again Because no one else believes I still am. And I have no one else to tell me I am. You wanna know the truth Jean? I don’t even wanna be here. I wanna go home. I want my mom.”

 

And Jean is moving. He’s not sure what he’s doing when he climbs on Eren’s – uncomfortable and hard as hell – bed. Torn between punching him or hugging him just to get him to _shut up_ , he ends up lying down next to him. Not touching him, but close enough to feel Eren trembling at his side.

 

“I do care. You piss me off so bad, but it’s not like the thought of you slicing open your skin doesn’t concern me.” Jean says just loud enough to be heard over Eren’s hitching sobs, muffled by his arm.

 

“You _are_ human Eren. You’re not a monster. I really can’t stand the fact that the person who’s supposed to be _humanity’s hope_ and all is hurting himself – is _scared of himself_ – trying to ruin himself like this.” Eren is laughing like Jean said something insane, but he’s also still crying and Jean reaches over and grabs the brunette’s hands, holds it between both of his own hands just like Armin did earlier.

 

“Trust me on this. Throw the blades out. Where did you even get them?” Jean rubs Eren’s hand with his own, his other rubbing down his arm. Eren doesn’t try to pull away, just lets him do it.

 

“Hanji had a whole jar of razor blades sitting out once,” Eren spoke up once he stopped crying, voice raspy, “I just took it. I went through the whole damn jar. I’m left with two now.”

 

Jean didn’t want to think about how long Eren’s been doing this to himself or how he ruined the other blades – if Eren presses down so hard he bent them or if he did it so much that they dulled to the point of being unusable – so he doesn’t ask. He doesn’t want to know the lengths Eren goes because he knows Eren can go _far_. Doesn’t want to think about if one day they found Eren passed in his blood soaked bed because he bled so much his body couldn’t _take it_ anymore.

 

Jean reaches out for the other boy then, pulling him to his chest and just pressing him there. Eren doesn’t struggle, not like he could anyway since he really didn’t have the energy. Jean’s eyes are stinging and he feels Eren’s hand slide up Jean’s back to bunch his sleep shirt in his fist.

 

“If you aren’t ready to throw them out right now I won’t make you,” Jean murmurs into Eren’s hair, “But there are so many more ways to feel human. I’ll make you feel human – no – you won’t just _feel_ human, you’ll know that you’re human. There’s nothing that a human can do that you can’t. So _please_ just try… and stop.”

 

Eren doesn’t answer, just pinches the skin on the blondes back through his shirt. Jean thinks that’s good enough.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! feedback is appreciated


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